Is polyamory for you?

Polyamory, almost everyone has heard of it. But is a polyamorous relationship perhaps something for you? Just like the bonobo, our closest living relative, we are very sexually active—even outside of fertile time. We have sex for pleasure and (sometimes) with multiple partners. But we not only have sex with multiple people at the same time, we can also love multiple people simultaneously. So, polyamory.

What is polyamory?

But what exactly is polyamory? We are all familiar with monogamy, which is a partnership between two people only. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a contraction of the Greek πολυ and the Latin Amor means "loving many." It's important to know that this is about love, not just sex. In that respect, it's also different from swinging. Swinging involves having sex with different people outside of your regular monogamous relationship, while a polyamorous relationship truly involves loving multiple people.

People in polyamorous relationships believe that a monogamous relationship isn't the only path to happiness, but that multiple loves and relationships can exist simultaneously. Transparency and consent from all parties involved in relationships are at the heart of polyamory.

Polygamy and polyamory: cultural norm

The way we approach our polyamorous nature is largely due to the culture and society in which we grew up. From childhood, we're used to the ideal of a monogamous relationship. "Mono" means "single" and "gamos" means "marriage." Marriage between two people is therefore the pinnacle of monogamy.

Most people in our society imitate the traditional marriage model in their relationships: they are faithful only to each other, often physically and emotionally. According to sexologist Joke Hermsen, this is asking for trouble, because the feelings and sexual nature of young women, in particular, are not sufficiently stimulated.

Polyamory: Something Different Than Polygamy

Polyamory and polygamy are often used synonymously. However, there's a difference in meaning between these two terms. While one refers to love, the other refers to marriage.

Polygamy is a common form of marriage in many cultures where multiple partners are married. A man can marry multiple women, which is called polygyny . When a woman marries more than one man, this is called called polyandry .

The reason and function of polygamy varies by culture. It can be for religious reasons, expanding the family and status, or dividing household chores, but also for incorporating a widow into another family by marrying her.

How does polyamory work?

In polyamory, people form relationships with more than one person, but these relationships can take many different forms. They can be temporary, lifelong, short-lived, monogamous (love triangles), friendly (with benefits), open, and/or sexual.

Some people also live polyamorous lives. An example of this is a love triangle, where three people are in a relationship. Sometimes several people live together in one house, or a couple lives together and a third person visits. But you don't have to start from a monogamous relationship; you can also date multiple people and introduce yourself as polyamorous, so there's no hierarchy.

There's little to be said in general terms about this, other than that the relationship must comply with the applicable "laws." Everyone understands that sharing intimate relationships with multiple people isn't easy. You can love all your children equally, but entering into multiple romantic relationships, as in polyamory, is more complex.

Handbook for Polyamorous Relationships

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy is considered the best and virtually only manual for polyamorous relationships. Easton and Hardy teach people about sex and love in a polyamorous context. Their book offers tips and a solid guide to living as an "ethical slut." They use the term "slut" as a badge of honor. A woman is quickly seen as a slut if she is flirtatious and seductive; she is seen as a threat to marital happiness.

Positive slut-shaming (m/f/x) is possible if done with the consultation and consent of everyone involved. This is no easy task, and most lovemaking practices will prove to be impossible. The time factor alone can be a deal breaker, because everyone wants attention. Or, as someone said, "polyamory is a career." It's a well-considered decision made by people who take responsibility.

Key Commandments for Ethical Slutting

Want to get started with ethical slut-shaming? Follow these guidelines:

• Consent - It's about everyone benefiting from the (sexual) behavior and ensuring it benefits the well-being and pleasure of all individuals.
• Honesty – to yourself and others.
• Respect - Acknowledge all feelings of jealousy.
• Appointments - Discuss the time to be spent.
• Communicate - Talk about your feelings and stay in touch with each other.
• Compassion - No one is perfect, and miscommunication is rampant! So don't be too critical of yourself and your partner as you embark on your polyamorous journey.

“Sex is positive and can be shared with multiple people, as long as the above ethical commandments are maintained.”

Pros and cons

A relationship with multiple people has both advantages and disadvantages. We've listed the most important ones for you!

Benefits of polyamory

• Experiencing love and sex with multiple people - You don't have to limit yourself to love and sex with just one person. Everyone brings out something different in you, and this also teaches you a lot about yourself. This gives you the opportunity to explore different aspects of yourself in relation to others.
• Open up your relationship instead of breaking it off - Sometimes the attraction is gone, or you long for something different than your steady (monogamous) partner. Instead of writing off the relationship, you can experiment with others and shape it differently.
• More space and openness - Communication is the foundation of polyamorous relationships. By opening your relationship to others, you often create more space in existing relationships. This brings more openness, playfulness, and fluidity to all your relationships.
• Discovering Other Forms of Love Beyond the Cultural Norm - Breaking Free from the Cultural Marriage Form A relationship can be very liberating. Whether you choose to live polyamorous or not, it's refreshing to see that there are multiple forms of relationships, love, and sex!

The Disadvantages of a Polyamorous Relationship

• Less time for deepening relationships with one partner - Initiating, maintaining, and nurturing relationships takes time and attention. Having multiple partners means you'll have less time for each one. This can lead to fleeting or superficial relationships.
• Jealousy, insecurity, and insecurity - If you're prone to jealousy, insecurity, or fear of abandonment, polyamory might not be the best relationship for you. It can make you very nervous to think about your partner being with someone else. While a strong foundation of safety and communication can prevent this, you should carefully consider whether this is something you're comfortable with and whether you truly want it.
• Cultural misunderstandings - Many people won't understand polyamory and will judge it. Therefore, it can be difficult to share this with family and friends and find empathy. Be prepared for this and consider joining a polyamorous group to find understanding and connection.

Relationship with multiple people: the broader context

Dossie Easton wants to introduce us to the broader context of polyamory (in which sexual energy is paramount). Discussions on this topic usually revolve around terms like "sex" and "cheating," but that doesn't get you anywhere if you're dealing with these issues in your relationship. Easton doesn't want to present polyamory as a romantic path of roses, but says it's about finding a balance in which feelings of jealousy and insecurity can be overcome.

Clear boundaries and rules are certainly helpful, but those rules can also prevent us from communicating and asking questions in our relationships. Do we still want the same things, and how do we address that? What do I desire, and what do you? And how can you express this in the most enjoyable way imaginable?

Jealousy in a polyamorous relationship

In practice, it turns out that a polyamorous relationship often brings with it all sorts of emotions and "complications" that weren't initially anticipated. Therefore, communication and honesty are crucial, regardless of the relationship format. Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy also write about this in their book The Ethical Slut . They acknowledge the existence of jealousy, but deal with it differently. They try to evaluate and place it. We often try to suppress negative feelings like jealousy and avoid making a fuss about something small, until it's so bottled up that it explodes. This leads to arguments.

Everyone in a relationship wants to feel free, even to have and express feelings that aren't initially perceived as positive. According to Easton and Hardy, most people experience jealousy as a single feeling, but there are actually multiple forms of this emotion. We can experience jealousy in all kinds of relationships. They believe we give it far too much status by experiencing it as one of the most awful feelings. But is that really the case? The solution, according to Easton and Hardy, is to acknowledge jealousy, express it, and be at peace with it.

Sexual energy and life energy

Sexual energy plays an important role in Easton and Hardy's theory of polyamorousness. Sexual energy is everywhere. You can open yourself to it and absorb sexual energy anywhere and anytime. Also according to the Taoism Sexual energy is your most important life source. Love is infinite and therefore can be shared with many others.

Relationships come in many forms: sexual, short-term, long-term, friendly, intimate, and many more. The fact is that in relationships, love, sex, and life as a whole, nothing is fixed! Everything is always changing and evolving, both for you and your partner. If you're interested in a relationship with multiple people, see if you (and your current partner, if applicable) are open to exploring whether a polyamorous relationship is right for you. Relationships add so much to your life, give you space to learn, transform you, and bring you joy. So don't hold yourself back if you're curious about polyamory.